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FIVE O'CLOCK TEA 



FIVE O'CLOCK TEA 



3Farce 



BY 



W. D. HOWELLS 



ILLUSTRATED 







NEW YORK 

HARPER AND BROTHERS 



1894 



\ - 



Harper's "Black and White" Series. 

Illustrated, samo, Cloth, 50 cents each. 
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Copyright, 1894, by Harper & Brothers. 

Copyright, 1885, by Harper & Brothers. 

Copyright, 1885, by W. D. Howells. 



All rights reserxied. 



ILLUSTRATIONS 



" 'will you answer my question, amy?' " Frontispiece 

"MRS. SOMERS, POURING A CUP OF TEA: * THAT 
MAKES IT A LITTLE MORE DIFFICULT* " Facing page 32 



FIVE O'CLOCK TEA 

I 

MRS. SOMERS; MR. WILLIS CAMPBELL 

lyr RS. AMY SOMERS, in a lightly float- 
ing tea-gown of singularly becoming 
texture and color, employs the last mo- 
ments of expectance before the arrival of 
her guests in marching up and down in 
front of the mirror which fills the space be- 
tween the long windows of her drawing- 
room, looking over either shoulder for 
different effects of the drifting and eddy- 
ing train, and advancing upon her image 
with certain little bobs and bows, and 
retreating from it with a variety of fan 
practice and elaborated courtesies, finally 
degenerating into burlesque, and a series 
of grimaces and " mouths " made at the 
responsive reflex. In the fascination of 



this amusement she is first ignorant, and 
then aware, of the presence of Mr. WilHs 
Campbell, who on the landing space be- 
tween the drawing-room and the library 
stands, hat in hand, in the pleased con- 
templation of Mrs. Somers's manoeuvres 
and contortions as the mirror reports 
them to him. Mrs. Somers does not per- 
mit herself the slightest start on seeing 
him in the glass, but turns deliberately 
away, having taken time to prepare the 
air of gratification and surprise with 
which she greets him at half the length 
of the drawing-room. 

Mrs. Somers, giving her hand : " Why, 
Mr, Campbell ! How very nice of 
you ! How long have you been prowling 
about there on the landing.^ So stupid 
of them not to have turned up the 
gas !" 

Campbell : " I wasn't much incommod- 
ed. That sort of pitch-darkness is rather 
becoming to my style of beauty, I find. 
The only objection was that I couldn't 
see you." 

Mrs. Somers : " Do you often make 
those pretty speeches ?" 



Campbell : " When I can found them 
on fact." 

Mrs. Somers : " What can I say back ? 
Oh ! That I'm sorry I couldn't have met 
you when you were looking your best." 

Campbell : " Um ! Do you think you 
could have borne it ? We might go out 
there." 

Mrs. Somers : " On second thoughts, 
no. I shall ring to have them turn up 
the gas." 

Campbell : " No ; let me." He prevents 
her ringing, and going out into the space 
between the library and drawing-room, 
stands with his hand on the key of the 
gas-burner. " Now how do I look ?" 

Mrs. Somers : " Beautiful." 

Campbell, turning up the gas : " And 
now.'*" 

Mrs. Somers : " Not /la/f so well. De- 
cidedly pitch - darkness is becoming to 
you. Better turn it down again." 

Campbell, rejoining her in the drawing- 
room : " No ; it isn't so becoming to you ; 
and I'm not envious, whatever I am." 

Mrs. Somers : " You are generosity it- 
self." 



Mrs. Somers : "You promised not to 
recur to that subject without some hint 
from me. You have broken your prom- 
ise." 

Campbell : " Well, you wouldn't give 
me any hint." 

Mrs. Somers : " How can I believe you 
care for me if you are false in this ?" 

Campbell : " It seems to me that my 
falsehood is another proof of my affec- 
tion." 

Mrs. Somers : " Very well, then ; you 
can wait till I know my mind." 

Campbell : "I'd rather know your heart. 
But I'll wait." After a pause : " Why do 
you carry a fan on a day like this ? I ask, 
to make general conversation." 

Mrs. Somers, spreading the fan in her 
lap, and looking at it curiously : " I don't 
know." After a moment : " Oh yes ; for 
the same reason that I shall have ice- 
cream after dinner to-day." 

Campbell : " That's no reason at all." 
After a moment : " Are you going to have 
ice-cream to-day after dinner?" 

Mrs, Somers: "I might. If I had com- 
pany." 



Campbell : " Oh, I couldn't stay after 
hinting. I'm too proud for that." He 
pulls his chair nearer and joins her in 
examining the fan in her lap. "What is 
so very strange about your fan ?" 

Mrs. Somers : " Nothing. I was just 
seeing how a fan looked that was the 
subject of gratuitous criticism." 

Campbell : " I didn't criticise the/«/2." 
He regards it studiously. 

Mrs. Somers : " Oh ! Not the fan ?" 

Campbell : " No ; I think it's extreme- 
ly pretty. I like big fans." 

Mrs. Somers : " So good of you ! It's 
Spanish. That's why it's so large." 

Campbell : " It's hand-painted, too." 

Mrs. Somers, leaning back, and leaving 
him to the inspection of the fan : " You're 
a connoisseur, Mr, Campbell." 

Campbell : " Oh, I can tell hand-paint- 
ing from machine-painting when I see it. 
'Tisn't so good." 

Mrs. Somers : " Thank you." 

Campbell : " Not at all. Now, that fel- 
low — cavalier, I suppose, in Spain — mak- 
ing love in that attitude, you can see at a 
glance that hes hand-painted. No ma- 



out? With a Peak & Frean ?" She ad- 
vances beseechingly upon him. " Come, 
I will give you a cup at once." 

Campbell : " No, thank you ; I would 
rather have it with the rest of the bores. 
They'll be sure to come." 

Mrs. Somers, resuming her seat on the 
sofa : "You are implacable. And I thought 
you said you were generous." 

Campbell: " No; merely magnanimous. 
I can't forget your cruel frankness ; but I 
know f02i can, and I ask you to do it." 
He throws himself back in his chair with 
a sigh. " And who knows ? Perhaps 
you were right." 

Mrs. Somers : " About what ?" 

Campbell : " My being a bore." 

Mrs. Somers : " I should think j/ou 
would know." 

Campbell : " No ; that's the difficulty. 
Nobody would be a bore if he knew 
it." 

Mrs. Somers: " Oh, so;;2e would, I 
think." 

Campbell : " Do you mean me ?" 

Mrs. Somers : " Well, no, then. I don't 
believe you would be a bore, if you knew 



it. Is that enough ? or do you expect me 
to say something more ?" 

Campbell : " No , it's quite enough, 
thank you." He remains pensively silent. 

Mrs. Somers, after waiting for him to 
speak : " Bores for bores, don't you hate 
the silent ones most ?" 

Campbell, desperately rousing himself : 
" Mrs. Somers, if you only knew how 
disagreeable I was going to make my- 
self just before I concluded to hold my 
tongue !" 

Mrs. Somers: "Really? What were 
you going to say .'*" 

Campbell : " Do you actually wish to 
know ?" 

Mrs. Somers : " Oh no ; I only thought 
you wished to tell." 

Campbell : " Not at all. You com- 
plained of my being silent." 

Mrs. Somers : " Did I .^^ I was wrong. 
I will never do so again." She laughs in 
her fan. 

Campbell : " And I complain of your 
delay. You can tell me now, just as well 
as two weeks hence, whether you love me 
enough to marry me or not." 



Mrs. Somers : "You promised not to 
recur to that subject without some hint 
from me. You have broken your prom- 
ise." 

Campbell : " Well, you wouldn't give 
me any hint." 

Mrs. Somers : " How can I believe you 
care for me if you are false in this ?" 

Campbell : " It seems to me that my 
falsehood is another proof of my afifec- 
tion." 

Mrs. Somers : " Very well, then ; you 
can wait till I know my mind." 

Campbell : "I'd rather know your heart. 
But I'll wait." After a pause : " Why do 
you carry a fan on a day like this ? I ask, 
to make general conversation." 

Mrs. Somers, spreading the fan in her 
lap, and looking at it curiously : " I don't 
know." After a moment : " Oh yes ; for 
the same reason that I shall have ice- 
cream after dinner to-day." 

Campbell : " That's no reason at all." 
After a moment : " Are you going to have 
ice-cream to-day after dinner.^" 

Mrs, Somers: "I might. If I had com- 
pany." 



Campbell : " Oh, I couldn't stay after 
hinting. I'm too proud for that." He 
pulls his chair nearer and joins her in 
examining the fan in her lap. "What is 
so very strange about your fan ?" 

Mrs. Somers : " Nothing. I was just 
seeing how a fan looked that was the 
subject of gratuitous criticism." 

Campbell : " I didn't criticise the/a/i." 
He regards it studiously. 

Mrs. Somers : " Oh ! No^ the fan ?" 

Campbell : " No ; I think it's extreme- 
ly pretty. I like big fans." 

Mrs. Somers : " So good of you ! It's 
Spanish. That's why it's so large." 

Campbell : " It's hand-painted, too." 

Mrs. Somers, leaning back, and leaving 
him to the inspection of the fan : " You're 
a connoisseur, Mr. Campbell." 

Campbell : " Oh, I can tell hand-paint- 
ing from machine-painting when I see it. 
'Tisn't so good." 

Mrs. Somers: "Thank you." 

Campbell : " Not at all. Now, that fel- 
low — cavalier, I suppose, in Spain — mak- 
ing love in that attitude, you can see at a 
glance that /le's hand-painted. No ma- 



c/im£-pa.inted cavalier would do it in that 
way. 'And look at the lady's hand. Who 
ever saw a hand of that size before ?" 

Mrs. Somers, unclasping the hands 
which she had folded at her waist, and 
putting one of them out to take up the 
fan : " You said you were not criticising 
the fan." 

Campbell, quickly seizing the hand, 
with the fan in it: "Ah, I'm wrong! 
Here's another one no bigger. Let me 
see which is the largest." 

Mrs. Somers, struggling not very vio- 
lently to free her hand ; " Mr. Campbell !" 

Campbell : " Don't take it away ! You 
must listen to me now. Amy." 

Mrs. Somers, rising abruptly, and drop- 
ping her fan as she comes forward to 
meet an elderly gentleman arriving from 
the landing: "Mr. Bemis! How very 
heroic of you to come such a day ! Isn't 
it too bad ?" 



II 

MR. BE MIS ; MRS. SOMERS ; MR. WILLIS 
CAMPBELL 

Bemis : " Not if it makes me specially 
welcome, Mrs. Somers." Discovering 
Campbell : " Oh, Mr. Campbell !" 

Campbell, striving for his self-posses- 
sion as they shake hands : " Yes, another 
hero, Mr. Bemis. Mrs. Somers is going 
to brevet everybody who comes to-day. 
She didn't say heroes to me, but — " 

Mrs. Somers : " You shall have your 
tea at once, Mr. Bemis." She rings. " I 
was making Mr. Campbell wait for his. 
You don't order up the teapot for one 
hero." 

Bemis : " Ha, ha, ha ! No, indeed ! But 
I'm very glad you do for two. The fact is" 
— rubbing his hands — " I'm half frozen." 

Mrs. Somers : " Is it so very cold .^" To 
Campbell, who presents her fan with a 
bow : " Oh, thank you." To Mr. Bemis : 
" Mr. Campbell has just been objecting 



to my fan. He doesn't like its being 
hand-painted, as he calls it." 

Bemis : "That reminds me of a Cali- 
fornia gentleman whom I found looking 
at an Andrea del Sarto in the Pitti Palace 
at Florence one day — by-the-way, you've 
been a Californian too, Mr. Campbell ; 
but you won't mind. He seemed to be 
puzzled over it, and then he said to me — 
I was standing near him — ' Hand-paint- 
ed, I presume.'*' " 

Mrs. Somers : " Ah ! ha, ha, ha ! How 
very good !" To the maid, who appears : 
"The tea, Lizzie." 

Campbell: "You don't think he was 
joking?" 

Bemis, with misgiving: "Why, no, it 
never occurred to me that he was." 

Campbell : " You can't always tell when 
a Californian's joking." 

Mrs. Somers, with insinuation : " CaJt'l 
you } Not even adoptive ones }" 

Campbell : " Adoptive ones never 
joke." 

Mrs. Somers : " Not even about hand- 
painted fans ? What an interesting fact !" 
She sits down on the sofa behind the lit- 



tie table on which the maid arranges the 
tea, and pours out a cup. Then, with her 
eyes on Mr. Bemis : " Cream and sugar 
both ? Yes ?" Holding a cube of sugar 
in the tongs : "How many ?" 

Bemis : " One, please." 

Mrs. Somers, handing it to him : "I'm 
so glad you take your tea aii naturel, as / 
call it." 

Campbell : " What do you call it when 
they don't take it with cream and sugar .^" 

Mrs. Somers : ''Au unnaturel. There's 
only one thing worse : taking it with a 
slice of lemon in it. You might as well 
draw it from a bothersome samovar at 
once, and be done with it." 

Campbell : " The samovar is pictu- 
resque." 

Mrs. Somers : " It is insincere. Like 
Californians. Natives." 

Campbell : " Well, I can think of some- 
thing much worse than tea with lemon in 
it." 

Mrs. Somers: "What?" 

Campbell : " No tea at all." 

Mrs. Somers, recollecting herself : " Oh, 
poor Mr. Campbell ! Two lumps Y' 



Campbell : " One, thank you. Your 
pity is so sweet !" 

Mrs. Somers : " You ought to have 
thought of the milk of human kindness, 
and spared my cream-jug too." 

Campbell : " You didn't pour out your 
compassion soon enough." 

Bemis, who has been sipping his tea in 
silent admiration: "Are you often able 
to keep it up in that way ? I was fancy- 
ing myself at the theatre." 

Mrs. Somers : " Oh, do7it encore us ! 
Mr. Campbell would keep saying his 
things over indefinitely." 

Campbell, presenting his cup : " An- 
other lump. It's turned bitter. Two /" 

Bemis : " Ha, ha, ha ! Very good — very 
good indeed !" 

Campbell : "Thank you kindly, Mr. Be- 
mis." 

Mrs. Somers, greeting the new arrivals, 
and leaning forward to shake hands with 
them as they come up, without rising: 
" Mrs. Roberts ! How very good of you ! 
And Mr. Roberts I" 



Ill 

MR. and MRS. ROBERTS ajid the OTHERS 

Roberts : " Not at all." 

Mrs. Roberts : " Of course we were 
coming." 

Mrs. Somers : " Will you have some 
tea? You see I'm installed already. Mr. 
Campbell was so greedy he wouldn't 
wait." 

Campbell : " Mr. Bemis and I are here 
in the character of heroes, and we had to 
have our tea at once. You're a hero too, 
Roberts, though you don't look it. Any 
one who comes to tea in such weather is 
a hero, or a — " 

Mrs. Somers, interrupting him with a 
little shriek : " Ugh ! How hot that han- 
dle's getting !" 

Campbell : " Ah, I dare say. Let me 
turn out my sister's cup." Pouring out 
the tea and handing it to Mrs. Roberts. 
" I don't see how you could reconcile it 
to your No. Eleven conscience to leave 



your children in such a snow-storm as 
this, Agnes." 

Mrs. Roberts, in vague alarm : " Why, 
what in the world could happen to them, 
Willis ?" 

Campbell : " Oh, nothing to them. But 
suppose Roberts got snowed under. Have 
some tea, Roberts T' He offers to pour 
out a cup. 

Mrs. Somers, dispossessing him of the 
teapot with dignity : " Thank you, Mr. 
Campbell ; /will pour out the tea." 

Campbell: " Oh, very well. I thought 
the handle was hot." 

Mrs. Somers : " It's cooler now." 

Campbell : " And you won't let me help 
you .?" 

Mrs. Somers : " When there are more 
people you may hand the tea." 

Campbell : " I wish I knew just how 
much that meant." 

Mrs. Somers : "Very little. As little as 
an adoptive Californian in his most ear- 
nest mood." While they talk — Campbell 
bending over the teapot, on which Mrs. 
Somers keeps her hand — the others form 
a little group apart. 



Beinis, to Mrs. Roberts: "I hope Mr, 
Roberts's distinguished friend won't give 
us the slip on account of the storm." 

Roberts : " Oh no ; he'll be sure to 
come. He may be late. But he's the 
most amiable of Englishmen, and I know- 
he won't disappoint Mrs. Somers." 

Bemis : " The most unamiable of Eng- 
lishmen couldn't do that," 

Roberts : " Ah, I don't know. Did you 
meet Mr. Pogis ?" 

Bemis : " No ; what did he do ?" 

Roberts : " Why, he came — to the Hib- 
bens's dinner — in a sack coat." 

Mrs. Roberts : " I thought it was a Car- 
digan jacket." 

Bemis: "/ heard a Norfolk jacket and 
knickerbockers." 

Mrs. Somers : " Ah, there is Mrs. Cur- 
wen !" To Campbell, aside: "And with- 
out her husband !" 

Campbell : " Or any one else's hus- 
band." 

Mrs, Somers : " For shame !" 

Campbell : " You began it." 

Mrs. Somers, to Mrs. Curwen, who ap- 
proaches her sofa : " You are kindness 



itself, Mrs. Curvven, to come on such a 
day." The ladies press each other's hands. 



IV 

MRS. CURWEN and the OTHERS 

Mrs. Curwen : " You are goodness in 
person, Mrs. Somers, to say so." 

Campbell: "And I am magnanimity 
embodied. Let me introduce myself, 
Mrs. Curwen !" He bows, and Mrs. Cur- 
wen deeply courtesies, 

Mrs. Curwen : " I should never have 
known you." 

Campbell, melodramatically, to Mrs. 
Somers : " Tea, ho ! for Mrs. Curwen — 
impenetrably disguised as kindness." 

Mrs. Curwen : " What shall I say to 
him ?" 

Mrs. Somers, pouring the tea : " Any- 
thing you like, Mrs. Curwen. Aren't we 
to see Mr. Curwen to-day.^" 

Mrs. Curwen, taking her tea : " No, I'm 
his insufficient apology. He's detained 
at his office — business." 



Campbell : " Then you see they don't 
all come, Mrs. Somers." 

Mrs. Curwen : " All what .?" 

Campbell : " Oh, all the— heroes." 

Mrs. Curwen : " Is that what he was go- 
ing to say, Mrs. Somers ?" 

Mrs. Somers : " You never can tell what 
he's going to say." 

Mrs. Curwen : " I should think you 
would be afraid of him." 

Mrs. Somers, with a little shrug: "Oh 
no ; he's quite harmless. It's just a little 
way he has." To Mr. and Mrs. Miller, 
Mr. and Mrs. Alfred Bemis, and Dr. Law- 
ton, who all appear together : "■ Ah, how 
do you do ? So glad to see you ! So very 
kind of you ! I didn't suppose you would 
venture out. And you too. Doctor.?" 
She begins to pour out tea for them, one 
after another, with great zeal. 



DR. LA IVTON, MR. and MRS. MILLER, YOUNG 
MR. and MRS. BE MIS, atid the OTHERS 

Dr. Lawton : "Yes, I too. It sounded 
very much as if I were Brutus also." He 
stirs his tea and stares round at the com- 
pany. " It seems to me that I have met 
these conspirators before. That's what 
makes Boston insupportable. You're al- 
ways meeting the same people !" 

Campbell : " We all feel it as keenly as 
you do, Doctor." 

Lawton, looking sharply at him : " Oh ! 
you here ? I might have expected it. 
Where is your aunt.^" 



VI 

MRS. CRASH A W atid the OTHERS 

Mrs. Crashaw, appearing : " If you mean 
me, Dr. Lawton — " 



27 



Lavvton : " I do, my dear friend. What 
company is complete without you ?" 

Mrs. Somers, reaching forward to take 
her hand, while with her disengaged hand 
she begins to pour her a cup of tea : 
" None in my house." 

Mrs. Crashaw: "Very pretty." Taking 
her tea. " I hope it isn't complete, either, 
without the English painter you promised 
us," 

Mrs. Somers : " No, indeed ! And a 
great many other people besides. But 
haven't you met him yet.? I supposed 
Mrs. Roberts—" 

Mrs. Crashaw : " Oh, I don't go to all 
of Agnes's fandangoes. I was to have 
seen him at Mrs. Wheeler's — he is being 
asked everywhere, of course — but he 
didn't come. He sent his father and 
mother instead. They were very nice 
old people, but they hadn't painted his 
pictures." 

Lawton : " They might say his pictures 
would never have been painted without 
them." 

Bemis : " It was like Heine's going to 
visit Rachel by appointment. She wasn't 



28 



in, but her father and mother were ; and 
when he met her afterwards he told her 
that he had just come from a show where 
he had seen a curious monster advertised 
for exhibition — the offspring of a hare 
and a salmon. The monster was not to 
be seen at the moment, but the showman 
said here was monsieur the hare and ma- 
dame the salmon." 

Mrs. Roberts : " What in the world did 
Rachel say.^" 

Lawton : " Ah, that's what these brill- 
iant anecdotes never tell. And I think 
it would be very interesting to know 
what the victim of a witticism has to 
say." 

Mrs. Curwen : " I should think you 
would know very often, Doctor." 

Lawton: "Ah, now I should like to 
know what the victim of a compliment 
says !" 

Mrs, Curwen : " He bows his thanks." 
Dr. Lawton makes a profound obeisance, 
to which Mrs. Curwen responds in bur- 
lesque. 

Miller : " We all envy you, Doctor." 

Mrs. Miller: "Oh yes. Mrs. Curwen 



29 



never makes a compliment without mean- 
ing it." 

Mrs. Curwen : " I can't say that quite, 
my dear. I should be very sorry to mean 
all the civil things I say. But I never flat- 
ter gentlemen of a certain age." 

Mts. Miller, tittering ineffectively : " I 
shall know what to say to Mr. Miller 
after this." 

Mrs. Crashaw : " Well, if you haven't 
got the man, Mrs. Somers, you have got 
his picture, haven't you.'^" 

Mrs. Somers : " Yes ; it's on my writ- 
ing-desk in the library. Let me — " 

Lawton : " No, no ; don't disturb your- 
self ! We wish to tear it to pieces with- 
out your embarrassing presence. Will 
you take my arm, Mrs. Crashaw ?" 

Mrs. Bemis : " Oh, let us all go and see 
it!" 

Roberts : " Aren't you coming, Wil- 
lis ?" 

Campbell, without looking round : 
"Thank you, I've seen it." 

Mrs. Somers, whom the withdrawal of 
her other guests has left alone with him : 
" How could you tell such a fib ?" 



Campbell : " I could tell much worse 
fibs than that in such a cause." 

Mrs. Somers : " What cause ?" 

Campbell : "A lost one, I'm afraid. Will 
you answer my question, Amy ?" 

Mrs. Somers: " Did you ask me any.?" 

Campbell: "You know I did — before 
those people came in." 

Mrs. Somers: "Oh, //^/.^ Yes. Ishould 
like to askyoti a question first," 

Campbell : " Twenty, if you like." 

Mrs. Somers : " W^hy do you feel au- 
thorized to call me by my first name ?" 

Campbell : " Because I love you. Now 
will you answer me ?" 

Mrs. Somers, dreamily : " I didn't say I 
would, did I }" 

Campbell, rising, sadly : " No." 

Mrs. Somers, mechanically taking the 
hand he offers her : " Oh ! What — " 

Campbell : " I'm going ; that's all." 

Mrs. Somers : " So soon ?" 

Campbell: "Yes; but I'll try to make 
amends by not coming back soon — or at 
all." 

Mrs. Somers : " You mustn't !" 

Campbell : " Mustn't what ?" 



31 



Mrs. Somers : " You mustn't keep my 
hand. Here come some more people. 
Ah, Mrs. Canfield ! Miss Bayly ! So very 
nice of you, Mrs. Wharton ! Will you 
have some tea ?" 



VII 

MRS. CAMPBELL, MISS BAYLY, MRS. 
WHARTON, and the OTHERS 

Mrs. Wharton : " No, thank you. The 
only objection to afternoon tea is the 
tea." 

Mrs. Somers: "I'm so glad you don't 
mind the weather." With her hand on 
the teapot, glancing up at Miss Bayly : 
"And do you refuse too.^" 

Miss Bayly: "I can answer for Mrs. 
Canfield that she doesn't, and I never do. 
We object to the weather." 

Mrs. Somers, pouring a cup of tea : 
" That makes it a little more difficult. I 
can keep from offering Mrs. Wharton 
some tea, but I can't stop its snowing." 

Miss Bayly, taking her cup : " But 



you're so amiable ; we know you would 
if you could, and that's quite enough. 
We're not the first and only, are we ?" 

Mrs. Somers: ''Dear, no! There are 
multitudes of flattering spirits in the li- 
brary, stopping the mouth of my portrait 
with pretty speeches." 

Miss Bayly, vividly : " Not your Bram- 
ford portrait Y' 

Mrs. Somers : " My Bramford por- 
trait ^ 

Miss Bayly, to the other ladies : " Oh, 
let us go and see it too !" They flutter 
out of the drawing-room, where Mrs. 
Somers and Campbell remain alone to- 
gether as before. He continues silent, 
while she waits for him to speak. 



VIII 

MRS. SOMERS ; MR. CAMPBELL 

Mrs. Somers, finally : " Well ?" 
Campbell : " Well, what ?" 
Mrs. Somers : " Nothing. Only 
thought you were — you were going to- 



Campbell : " No ; I've got nothing to 
say." 

Mrs. Somers : " I didn't mean that. I 
thought you were going to — go." She 
puts up her hand and hides a triumphant 
little smile with it. 

Campbell : " Very well, then, I'll go, 
since you wish it." He holds out his 
hand. 

Mrs. Somers, putting hers behind her : 
"You've shaken hands once. Besides, 
who said I wished you to go ?" 

Campbell : " Do you wish me to stay.'*" 

Mrs. Somers : " I wish you to -^ hand 
tea to people." 

Campbell : " And you won't say any- 
thing more ?" 

Mrs. Somers : " It seems to me that's 
enough." 

Campbell : " It isn't enough for me. 
But I suppose beggars mustn't be choosers. 
I can't stay merely to hand tea to people, 
however. You can say yes or no now. 
Amy, as well as at any other time." 

Mrs. vSomers : " Well, no, then — if you 
wish it so much." 

Campbell : " You know I don't wish it." 



Mrs. Somers : "You gave me my choice. 
I thought you were indifferent about the 
word." 

Campbell : " You know better than that, 
Amy." 

Mrs. Somers : " Amy again ! Aren't 
you a little previous, Mr. Campbell ?" 

Campbell, with a sigh : " Ah, that's for 
you to say." 

Mrs. Somers : " Wouldn't it be impo- 
lite }" 

Campbell : " Oh, not for jyou." 

Mrs. Somers : " If you're so sarcastic, I 
shall be afraid of you." 

Campbell : " Under what circum- 
stances }" 

Mrs. Somers, dropping her eyes : " I 
don't know." He makes a rush upon 
her. "Oh! here comes Mrs. Curwen ! 
Shake hands, as if you were going." 



IX 

MRS. CUR WEN; MRS. SOMERS ; MR. CAMP- 
BELL 

Mrs. Curwen : "What ! is Mr. Campbell 
going, toof 

Mrs. Somers : " Too ? Yottre not go- 
ing, Mrs. Curwen ?" 

Mrs. Curwen: "Yes, I'm going. The 
likeness is perfect, Mrs. Somers. It's a 
speaking likeness, if there ever was one." 

Campbell : " Did it do all the talking?" 

Mrs. Curwen : " It would — if Mrs. Rob- 
erts and Dr. Lawton hadn't been there. 
Well, I must go." 

Campbell : " So must I." 

Mrs. Somers, in surprise : ''Must you ?" 

Campbell : " Yes ; these drifts will be 
over my ears directly." 

Mrs. Curwen : " You poor man ! You 
don't mean to say you're walkmgf 

Campbell : " I shall be, in about half a 
minute." 

Mrs. Curwen : " Indeed you shall not ! 



36 



You shall be driving — with me. I've a 
vacancy in the coupe, and I'll set you 
down wherever you like." 

Campbell : " Won't it crowd you ?" 

Mrs. Curwen : " Not at all." 

Campbell : " Or incommode you in any 
way .''" 

Mrs. Curwen : " It will oblige me in 
every way." 

Campbell : " Then I will go, and a thou- 
sand thanks, Good-by again, Mrs. Somers." 

Mrs. Curwen : " Good-by, Mrs. Somers. 
Poor Mrs. Somers ! It seems too bad to 
leave you here alone, bowed in an elegiac 
attitude over your tea-urn." 

Mrs. Somers: " Oh, not at all! Remem- 
ber me to Air. Curwen." 

Mrs. Curwen : " I will. Well, Mr. Camp- 
bell—" 

Mrs. Somers : " Mr. Campbell — " 

Campbell: "Well?" 

Mrs. Curwen: " To which .?" 

Campbell : " Both." 

Mrs. Somers: "Neither!" 

Mrs. Curwen : " Ah ! ha, ha, ha ! Mr. 
Campbell, do you know much about 
women ?" 



Campbell : " I had a mother." 

Mrs. Curwen : " Oh, a mother won't 
do." 

Campbell : " Well, I have an only sister 
who is a woman." 

Mrs. Curwen : " A sister won't do, either 
— not your own. You can't learn a wom- 
an's meaning in that way." 

Campbell : " I will sit at your feet, Mrs. 
Curwen, if you'll instruct me." 

Mrs. Curwen : " I shall be delighted. 
I'll begin now. Oh, you needn't really 
prostrate yourself !" She stops him in a 
burlesque attempt to do so. "And I'll 
concentrate the wisdom of the whole first 
lesson in a single word." 

Campbell, with clasped hands of en- 
treaty : " Speak, blessed ghost !" 

Mrs. Curwen : " Stay ! Ah ! ha, ha, ha !" 
She flies at Mrs. Somers and kisses her. 
"You can't say I'm ill-natured, my dear, 
whatever I am !" 

Mrs. Somers, pursuing her exit with the 
word : " No, merely atrocious." A pause 
ensues, in which Campbell stands irreso- 
lute. 



X 

MRS. SOMERS ; MR. CAMPBELL 

Campbell, finally : " Did you wish me 
to stay, Amy?" 

Mrs. Somers, airily : " I ? Oh no ! It 
was Mrs. Curwen." 

Campbell: "Then I think I'll accept 
her kind offer of a seat in her coupe." 

Mrs. Somers : " Oh ! I thought, of 
course, you'd stay — at her request." 

Campbell: "No; I shall only stay at 
yours." 

Mrs. Somers : " And I shall not ask 
you. In fact, I warn you not to." 

Campbell: "Why.^" 

Mrs. Somers : " Because, if you urge me 
to speak now, I shall say — " 

Campbell : " I wasn't going to urge 
you." 

Mrs. Somers: "No matter! I shall 
say it now without being urged. Yes, I've 
made up my mind. I can't marry a flirt." 

Campbell : " I can. Amy." 



Mrs. Somers : "Sir!" 

Campbell : " You know very well you 
sent those people into the other room to 
keep me here and torment me — " 

Mrs. Somers : " Now you've ziisulted 
me, and all is over." 

Campbell : " To tantalize me with your 
loveliness, your beauty, your grace. Amy!" 

Mrs. Somers, softening : " Oh, that's 
all very well — " 

Campbell: "I'm glad you like it. I 
could go on at much greater length. But 
you know I love you dearly. Amy, and why 
should you delight in my agonies ? But 
only marry me, and you shall delight in 
them as long as you live, and — " 

Mrs. Somers : " You must hold me very 
cheap to think I would take you from 
that creature." 

Campbell : " Confound her ! I wasn't 
hers to give. I offered myself first." 

Mrs. Somers : " She offered you last, 
and — no, thank you, please." 

Campbell : " Do you really mean it ?" 

Mrs. Somers : " I shall not say. Or, 
yes, I will say. If that woman, who seems 
to have you at her beck and call, had not 



intermeddled, I might have made you a 
very different answer. But now my eyes 
are opened, and I see what I should have 
to expect, and — no, thank you, please." 

Campbell : " And if she hadn't offered 
me — " 

Mrs. Somers, drawing out her handker- 
chief and putting it to her eyes : " I was 
feeling kindly towards you — T was such a 
little fool—" 

Campbell : " Amy !" 

Mrs. Somers : " And you knew how 
much I disliked her." 

Campbell : " Yes, I saw by the way you 
kissed each other." 

Mrs. Somers : " Nonsense ! You knew 
that meant nothing. But if it had been 
anybody else in the world but her, I 
shouldn't have minded it. And now — " 

Campbell : " Now — " 

Mrs. Somers : " Now all those geese 
are coming back from the other room, 
and they'll see that I've been crying, and 
everybody will know everything. Wil- 
lis—" 

Campbell: '' Willis r 

Mrs. Somers : " Let me go ! I must 



bathe my eyes ! You stay here and re- 
ceive them! I'll be back at once !" She 
escapes from the arms stretched towards 
her, and out of the door, just before her 
guests enter from the library, and Camp- 
bell remains to receive them. The la- 
dies, in returning, call over one another's 
heads and shoulders. 



XI 

MR. CAMPBELL and the OTHERS 

Mrs. Roberts: "Amy, xX^'s, lovely ! But 
it doesn't half 6.0 you justice." 

Young Mrs. Bemis : " It's too sweet for 
a7iythmg, Mrs. Somers." 

Mrs. Crashaw : " Why did you let the 
man put you into that ridiculous seven- 
teenth-century dress.? Can't he paint a 
modern frock .>" 

Mrs. Wharton : " But what exquisite 
coloring, Mrs. Somers !" 

Mrs. Miller : " He's got just your lovely 
turn of the head." 

Miss Bayly: "And the way you hold 



your fan — what character he's thrown 
into it!" 

Mrs. Roberts: "And that fall of the 
skirt, Amy; that skirt \s full of charac- 
ter !" She discovers Mr. Campbell be- 
hind the tea-urn. He has Mrs. Somers's 
light wrap on his shoulders, and her fan 
in his hand, and he alternately hides his 
blushes with it, and coquettishly folds it 
and pats his mouth in a gross caricature 
of Mrs. Somers's manner. In rising he 
twitches his coat forward in a similar 
burlesque of a lady's management of her 
skirt. "Why, where is Amy, Willis.^" ' 

Campbell : " Gone a moment. Some 
trouble about — the hot water." 

Lawton : " Hot water that you've been 
getting into } Ah, young man, look me 
in the eye !" 

Campbell : " Your glass one. Doctor.?" 

Young Mr. Bemis : " Why, my dear, has 
your father got a glass eye .?" 

Mrs. Bemis : " Of course he hasn't ! 
What an idea ! I don't know what Mr. 
Campbell means." 

Lawton : " I've no doubt he wishes I 
had a glass eye — two of them, for that 



matter. But that isn't answerinc^ my 
question. Where is Mrs. Somers.?" 

Campbell : " That was my sister's ques- 
tion, and I did answer it. Have some 
tea, ladies.^ I'm glad you like my por- 
trait, and that you think he's got my 
lovely turn of the head, and the way I 
hold my fan, and the character of my 
skirt ; but I agree with you that it isn't 
half as pretty as I am." 

The Ladies : " Oh, what shall we do to 
him ? Prescribe for us. Doctor." 

Campbell : " No, no ! I want the Doc- 
tor's services myself. I don't want him 
to give me his medicines. I want him to 
give me aw^ay." 

Lawton : " You're tired of giving your- 
self away, then ?" 

Campbell: "It's of no use. They won't 
have me." 

Lawton : " Who won't.'*" 

Campbell : "Oh, I'll leave Mrs. Somers 
to say." 



XII 

MRS. SOMERS and the OTHERS 

Mrs. Somers, radiantly reappearing: 
*• Say what ?" She has hidden the traces 
of her tears from everyone but the ladies 
by a light application of powder, and she 
knows that they all know she has been 
crying, and this makes her a little more 
smiling. " Say what ?" She addresses 
the company in general rather than Camp- 
bell. 

Campbell, with caricatured tenderness : 
" Say yes." 

Mrs. Somers : " What does he mean, 
Doctor.^" 

Lawton : " Oh, I'm afraid he's past all 
surgery. I give him over to you, Mrs. 
Somers." 

Campbell : " There, now. She wasn't 
the last to do it !" 

Mrs. Somers, with the resolution of a 
widow : " Well, I suppose there's nothing 
else for it, then. I'll see what can be 



done for your patient, Doctor." She 
passes her hand through Campbell's arm, 
where he continues to stand behind the 
tea-table. 

Mrs. Roberts, falling upon her and kiss- 
ing her: "Amy, you don't meaji it!" 

Mrs. Bemis, embracing her in turn : " I 
never can believe it." 

Mrs. Crashaw : " It is ridiculous ! What, 
Willis?" 

Mrs. Miller : " It does seem too nice to 
be true." 

Bemis : " You astonish us !" 

Roberts : " We never should have 
dreamed of it." 

Young Mr. Bemis : " You imcst give us 
time to realize it." 

Mrs. Wharton : " Is it possible f 

Miss Bayly: "A it possible.^" They all 
shake hands with Mrs. Somers in turn. 

Roberts : " Isn't this rather sudden, 
Willis .>" 

Campbell : " Well, it is — for Mrs. Som- 
ers, perhaps. But Fve found it awfully 
gradual." 

Mrs. Somers : " Nonsense ! It's an old 
story for both of us," 



46 



Campbell : " Well, what I like about it 
is, it's true. Founded on fact!" 

Mrs. Roberts : " Really ? I caiit believe 
it!" 

Campbell : "Well, I don't know whom 
all this charming incredulity's intended 
to flatter, but if it's I, I say no, not really, 
at all ! It's merely a little cotip de theatre 
we've been arranging." 

Lawton, patting him on the shoulder : 
" One ahead, as usual." 

Mrs. Somers : " Oh, thank you. Doctor! 
There are two of us ahead now." 

Lawton: "/ believe you, at any rate. 
Bravo!" He initiates an applause in 
which all the rest join, while Campbell 
catches up Mrs. Somers's fan and unfurls 
it before both their faces. 



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